I had nothing to do with decorating the tree. I'm not the biggest fan of the season. Yes, I know I have to get my Santa costume on at some stage! But my grandchildren just don't believe I'm the real thing.

Tags:   christmas xmas tree holidays decorations baubles

© All Rights Reserved

She’s worried by him. He's not looking happy. He seems lost in thought, his mind in a far off place. Yes, she's been watching him, Mrs Claus has. And he's taken to drinking on these long dark nights.

For him, Christmas is complicated this year. The job has always been pretty easy for as long as he can remember. Which is several hundred years. Ever since he took over the job from St Nicholas. But now, and very suddenly.....he's getting cold feet! Of course he tends to the reindeer through the year, and relaxes through the summer with lazy days sitting in the sunshine on the mountainside, cuddled up to Mrs Claus. She's his soul-mate and kindred spirit and they are very much in love. The elfs work away happily in the workshops nearby. There's a great spirit between them and they have a boisterous party in the end hut every Saturday in the summer months, with singing and dancing, and perhaps too much beer.

But all is not well. And it’s not just Christmas 2018 on his mind. Already he’s worried about Christmas 2019 too. Word has it that the major toy suppliers are stockpiling already, causing a shortage of product that’s affecting him now. And what's he going to do if there is a hard Brexit? All the children's gifts are going to be stopped in the French ports it appears . And even if they get through they are warning of long delays and higher prices. Christmas might have to be postponed, or even cancelled. It’s not just about the toys. There’s the staff issue too. He would like to employ more elves to make more toys but his cheap labour of Polish and Romanian elves (There’s also a Syrian elf pretending to be Croatian) will have been forced to go back to their own countries. For God's sake he might even have to employ British elves but they will want higher wages, and manufacturing quality will fall (But at least he can put labels stating "Made in Great Britain" on them to cover up the faults and cracks in them). So many problems. Lord knows, he's even heard that he won't even be able to fly his sleigh across the sky on Christmas Eve because Britain has left the EU. And he will have to pay money for a visa. And the reindeer will need to be quarantined each time they cross a border. And Customs will want to inspect his sack. It all seems so nightmarish.

Yes, Brexit is one headache for Santa, but there's a greater problem on his mind. He's dedicated his life to giving presents to boys and girls all over the world. But this gender equality thing is really vexing him. He is Father Christmas. Yes, a slightly rounded, pale skinned mature gent who loves nothing more than to go He-He-He and make people smile. But he doesn’t adjust to change easily. He’s heard some folk are questioning him. Why does Santa have to be a man, they say? OK, he’s tried to get with this new way of thinking, even suggesting that Mrs Claus comes along on Christmas Eve and helps him get the presents out. A bit of sex equality. He would love her to be there but SHE insists it is a man’s job and she wants to stay in and get the ironing done before they go on holiday on Christmas Day. He’s further stressed that they are asking on social media why he only employs elves and not elfettes? And if he did would they get the same pay? Some are branding him sexist and a misogynist. For generations he has given dolls and more feminine toys to little girls, and cars and construction toys to boys. But now he's not even allowed to think of the children in terms of girls and boys. Who is he to assume they identify with being one or other and give them toys historically associated with their gender? But bad as that is, now there are the ‘others’: neither male or female, despite outward appearances, some who were boys last Christmas, and are now girls....and some who haven't decided yet. How can he possibly plan ahead? Another problem is that there is falling demand for the traditional toys he normally delivers. Kids are so demanding and the number of texts and emails he gets from children demanding…yes DEMANDING the latest smart phone or Playstation console depresses him. Where do they think he will get the money from? And so many have the gall to complain when they don’t get what they want! They even ask to know his Formal Complaint Procedures !!! Who do they think Father Christmas is? The way things are now is just insane for a middle aged gent who has always generously thought on the romantic side of tradition and tried year after year just to make people happy.

Christ! The maniacs in charge of the asylum have already driven him to drink and now they might make him swear in front of Mrs Claus. WTF is going on? How can he single handed keep children's dreams alive when these do-gooders and very unseasonal snowflakes stupidly destroy everything that creates happy, well-rounded children? They will eventually kill Christmas if they get their way. As far as he is concerned if things don’t improve pretty darned quick, he’s had enough and he’s buggering off and he will just find a part-time log cutter’s job somewhere out of the way in Finland. Somewhere he can have a nice quiet, happy life with Mrs Claus and no more late night’s out on Christmas Eve.

Here's wishing all my flickr friends a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year. I hope 2019 smiles better.


(PS I had to put a couple of extra stone on just to look more like the real Santa, and just let my body go. I think it is quite a good likeness now)

Tags:   santa claus father christmas selfie bottle drinking St Nicholas holidays tree traditional festive gifts presents brexit gender equality me pentlandpirate whisky Julenissen Ded Moroz Swiety Mikolaj Jultomten log burner christmas tree xmas noel story

© All Rights Reserved

Planking (or the Lying Down Game) is an activity consisting of lying face down—sometimes in an unusual or incongruous location. Both hands must touch the sides of the body. Some players compete to find the most unusual and original location in which to play. The term planking refers to mimicking a wooden plank. Planking can include lying flat on a flat surface, or holding the body flat while it is supported in only some regions (the belly in this example), with other parts of the body suspended. Many participants in planking have photographed the activity in unusual locations and have shared such pictures through social media.

The first recorded occurrence of planking was in 1994 when Tom Green performed a stunt he called "Dead Guy" for a cable TV show, which consisted of Green lying down on an Ottawa sidewalk without moving. Green, who was in an MTV show in the 1990s, is a comedian known for his pranks. He informed CNN about this video evidence and how it did not air on the show, stating that it was “a very obscure piece of video.” Tom tweeted “Just found video of me #planking in 1994. I will post it soon. Let people know. :)” on July 12, 2011

However the video sketch was never aired. So when, in 1997, two bored school boys in Taunton started lying face-down in public places to amuse themselves and baffle onlookers they could not have known of Green's stunt. Gary Clarkson (then aged 15) and Christian Langdon (then aged 12) called it the "lying down game". As Clarkson puts it, "It was just a really stupid, random thing to do."

The Lying Down Game remained within Clarkson and Langdon's circle of friends until 2007, when their friend Daniel Hoppin created a Facebook page for their craze. As Hoppin says, "We began a Facebook group to see who could get the craziest photo."

The term "Planking" was coined by Sam Weckert, of Adelaide, South Australia, "Planking was a term myself and two other mates came up with in the summer of 2008". Weckert created a Facebook fan page to share "planking" photos. After reports of the practice started appearing in the Australian media it grew rapidly and the meme became a global phenomenon.

After reports of the craze in the British media in 2009, the lying down game spread to the rest of the world.

Worldwide it has also been known as "extreme lying down" (2008, Australasia), "facedowns" (2010, USA and Ireland), and "planking" (2011, Australia, New Zealand and worldwide).

Variations (which appear to have arisen independently) include:
##"시체놀이" ("playing dead") (2003, South Korea), where participants play dead. Inspired by the manga character Crayon Shin-Chan.

The popularity of planking has generated a backlash. Some people object to its ridiculous aspects; such as a girl planking with her head in a toilet, or a man planking on a stripper pole. Also, planking in dangerous places has resulted in many injuries and at least one death

Tags:   santa claus plank christmas tree planking lying down game FDT

© All Rights Reserved

So, what do you get up to? What's your medicine? Married at first sight, NZ, I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here, Dinner Date, Masterchef: oh no! Highland Cops, Yeah! and a wee dram. Ardnamurchan, of course.

A selfie

© All Rights Reserved

They found him just in the St Nick of time, before midnight on Christmas Eve when he should have been out doing his parcel deliveries.

But it was a close thing. Sure, he had been drinking, for there was a whiff of whisky on his breath, but it was obvious he had been detained against his will, bound and gagged. Clearly his wife had had enough of him, tied him to the rocking chair and stormed off to bed, telling him no way was he getting in bed later in that sort of state and to make his own Christmas dinner in the morning. And he could stuff his turkey she said. She didn't give a monkey's how far he said he had got to go that night. She was having nothing to do with it. Sod his Christmas malarkey.

So much for peace and goodwill to all men at Christmas.


Fortunately Santa was rescued by a helpful elf or pixie and was able to get out on last night's mission, albeit rather kate. Santa Incorporated and Elf would like to apologise in advance if you didn't get your stocking filled overnight, but hey, ho ho ho, send him your name and number and he will try to make up for it in 2020.


PS I didn't want to take the photo either, but there are pervs out there who insist I do it every year: traditional it is!

Tags:   santa claus father christmas St nicholas weird

© All Rights Reserved