This is a still from a video I made in September 2011 ( www.flickr.com/photos/helene_tv/6185502689/in/photostream ) in which I dressed up as a woman and indulged my transvestite desires by wearing makeup, a wig and women's clothing. Cross-dressing is a liberating and rather liberating pastime to indulge in as a man and as a person who always wanted to try acting it is like the ultimate role to play as a man, switching genders.

The truth is I actually like spending time as a female as I've always held a deep desire to be a woman but never had enough courage to act on this and continued life as a man. I am now rather settled into my male life and would never give it p as I like what I have but that desire to express my female side is ever present.

Becoming a transvestite was the perfect solution as it satisfied my needs, dreams and inner desires on several levels. I get to feel female for a few hours, I enjoy the performance of trying to act like I am a woman and I like the tactile sensations of wearing makeup on my face and the the feel and fit of female clothing which is very different to male attire.

In my head I convince myself I am a woman and I truly enjoy escaping my male self for these brief periods I free my alter ego Helene, the woman I've created and pretend to be. I cannot deny I adore being her for a few hours and I am very attracted to female fashions and love that I wear them despite being a male.
Women's clothing is wonderful and much nicer than male attire and the combination of lovely clothes, makeup and the totally impractical but gorgeous shoes women wear with their high heels are just delightful to wear.

To shave off your body hair and be smooth all over, to pluck your eyebrows into neater shape and to appear in full makeup and a wig wearing sensual lingerie, pantyhose and a dress, high heels and catch sight of painted nails whilst feeling the creamy lipstick on ones lips, knowing your lashes are coated in mascara, as the scent of your perfume surrounds you is just an amazing experience which I truly enjoy. Being a transvestite is at times beyond compare.

I also enjoy the collision with my sexuality, I like the challenge of trying to act convincingly female which means being a woman to the point I can be female i the eyes of men. A very Gay sounding scenario but of course I am merely pretending I'm a female. I like to be a woman but ultimately I would not become intimate with a man. The idea though of trying to pass oneself off as a woman is exciting and daring.

I don't mind people calling me a queen, or Gay or queer, part of me even enjoys that perception of me as I am a man trying to switch genders. The reality is I know my own sexuality so it's quite a lot of fun to be referred to as a queen or queer even though I'm not but I can see why such a simplistic view can arise. Many cannot understand why if we are men then why do we like to dress up and act as if we are women. It is a black and white answer for them. Men dressing up as a women must be homosexual. I don't mind others thinking that, as I say I get a buzz out of pretending I'm a woman so it does not bother me as I know it's freeing a buried aspect of my persona but I also know despite my efforts to pass as a woman when I cross-dress ultimately I am a man who is not attracted to other men.

I think it is this perception that causes problems with partners when they discover their partner is a transvestite. They immediately assume we re homosexual or want o change into being a woman full time. For some transvestites this is true but the majority just enjoy the liberation and the satisfaction that comes from dressing up as a woman.

I have no issue with transvestites that do like to become involved with men when they present themselves as a female, in fact I admire their honesty. I think those cross-dressers that do desire men when they are dressed as women should free themselves and enjoy what they desire.

If we dress up as women we need to accept, I feel, that we are likely to be labelled as queen's, as Gay, as society is is frequently simplistic in it's attitudes to minorities. Transvestites are a group that is definitely misunderstood as most people cannot comprehend why we want to dress up as women. A lot of men think we demean males by doing this. Some women find us incredibly insulting and patronising. On the whole though i have found women to be more accepting of transvestites unless it is their own partner, in which case many find it difficult to accept.

Whilst I enjoy cross-dressing and passionately love the whole experience and the thrill of trying to be a women in the eyes of others it is not an activity without issues. I still harbour some feelings of doubt and concerns and a great fear of being discovered as a transvestite. I also worry that my family are dismayed by my transvestite activities and this can dampen my enthusiasm quite considerably and induce feelings of guilt. Yet..yet...when I do become Helene I feel a thrill I can only get from becoming her. I love to be her and thrive on the challenge of trying to act convincingly and I'm delighted to wear the makeup on my face and to attempt the whole portrayal of a female. I simply cannot resist the desire to do this and I do not wish to resist it, I adore doing it.

I try my best to ensure my cross-dressing indulgences have minimal impact on my life and consequently my opportunities to become Helene are very restricted. I think though it's a reasonable balance as the two sessions I manage each year are better than never at all. I'm relieved my family allow this though we never talk about it at all but their tolerance is a concession I'm grateful for.

Helene x

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I'm still in a position of having to sustain my cross-dressing desires by revisiting pictures and videos I recorded when cross-dressed as my female alter-ego Helene. I am still nearly a year away from my next possible opportunity. The mood is on me though, rather powerfully just now, so I compiled a few musings I recorded on video back in the Autumn of 2011. I do adore the precious and rare few hours I get to dress as a woman and absolutely love being Helene x

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