© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Some kind of landscape photography I think. Captured in April 2023 at Troon South Beach, Scotland.

There are 3 vital things that someone with severe CPTSD needs in order to function and heal.

1/ Consistency, predictability and routine.
2/ A place of safety and comfort
3/ Patience and compassion

Without these my trauma response is activated. I can't help that, it is physiological.
These needs have not been fully met for the past 2 years or so. Is it any wonder my symptoms have worsened? Now I am blamed for not healing fast enough. 25 years of abuse and PTSD cannot be fixed with 1 year of therapy and just one year of healing afterwards, least of all when those needs are not fully met. I didn't stand a chance.

Last night a friend from the past messaged me at a critical time. They chatted with me online for some 2 hours or more. They actually made me cry, smile and even laugh. It saved The Samaritans a call and that friend may have saved my life. The timing was impeccable.

The biggest threat to me is not having the 3 vital things. Without those I will spiral into hell. There is no chance I can heal without them. I just don't know where I can get them now. I can't do this alone and I will need actual in-person physical help as well. At my worst I am unable to even cook a meal or even answer the door. At times I could not even leave the house into the garden.

At my best there are little nuggets of the old 'Leanne' there. I just can't find her by myself. I am too ill to do it all alone now.

For the friend that contacted me last night. I am in their debt.

I am trying to post to Flickr and enjoy your photography to maintain routine. It has helped to hold me together for a long time. I am struggling to comment on other people's work or find 'happy' photographs to share. I hope I can get back there though.

In the meantime. Thank you for your understanding and caring. However remote, it does help. It does help.

Tags:   Leanne Boulton urban street photography urban landscape landscape photography landscape seaside seafront town promenade bench storytelling documentary narrative journal empty remains waste litter plastic waste remnants building wall grass sand drifting drifting sand tone detail depth natural light outdoors sunlight shadow sunset evening scene life humanity society lifestyle public space Canon Canon 5D Mk III 70mm EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM colour golden hour golden Troon South Beach Ayrshire South Ayrshire Scotland UK United Kingdom Great Britain skyline

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Urban architecture from East Kilbride, Scotland.

Previously unpublished shot from April 2021.

When you have climbed so many ladders there are only snakes left to take you to the bottom.

I am grateful for all of your kindness and support on my photo yesterday. More than you can know. To hear that you care and that you believe I have a talent is deeply heart warming. I am, however, just so desperately tired of suffering.

Tags:   Leanne Boulton urban staircase grim Scotland landscape urban landscape fragment photography concrete jungle stairs stairway steps ramp lines composition blue yellow concrete rust grime gritty melancholy railings handrail mobility pedestrian tone detail depth natural light outdoors outside town centre shopping centre city scene human life humanity society culture lifestyle people Canon Canon 5D Mk III 24mm EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM colour East Kilbride South Lanarkshire UK United Kingdom Great Britain

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Captured in April 2022 during a local walkabout with my camera in East Kilbride, Scotland.

My life is unravelling fast. My health deteriorated, my PTSD worsened and now some devastating news yesterday that removes my safety, security and wonderful beach walks.

I have been dealt with blow after blow throughout my life. I overcame them all. This time I am completely empty. I have no resilience left. I can barely take care of myself at times. I can hardly even leave the house or answer the door at times.

I don't know how I cope with this.

I lost my beloved career, my physical health, my mental health, my friends, my cats Kitteh and Jasper, my dad, my mum, my independence, my mobility, my ability to cope with anything going slightly wrong and now I have lost my partner. My home by the beach will soon follow. 20 years... 20 years. Gone.

I need a safe space to cope with my PTSD. I don't have a safe space.

I don't know how to survive this. I have nothing left. 300 miles away from my family. No friends nearby. I have nothing.

I am sorry to pour my heart out to you all but I wanted to let you all know what is going on because you have all been so kind to me.
Your support has been incredible throughout my photography journey. I can't begin to thank you all enough for that. You have warmed my heart deep down over and over again. You deserve honesty if I am unable to post any more photographs.

Take care of yourselves and each other. I'm done.

Tags:   Leanne Boulton urban landscape urban landscape fragment abstract photography abstraction decay decaying urban decay square crop format brick bricks wall brick wall cement foundation face facade pebble dash concrete mortar lines falling apart crumbling derelict breakdown mental health crisis lost abandoned journal tone detail natural light outdoors outside town city life humanity manmade still life object Canon Canon 5D Mk III 40mm prime lens EF 40mm f/2.8 STM black white black&white b&w mono black and white monochrome East Kilbride South Lanarkshire Scotland UK United Kingdom monochromatic bwphoto

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Sunset photography on Barassie Beach, Scotland.

Some kayakers were wrapping up their evening paddle as the sun was setting over the Isle of Arran. The beautiful wooden paddle was handcrafted in Ardnamurchan as I am told by Lorna, my latest '100 Strangers' portrait uploaded a few days ago. She posed with the paddle for me as the water droplets glistened in this remaining sunlight.

Framing the clouds in the top right reminded me of those classic Caribbean photographs of a canoe on a white beach with palm tree fronds framing the corner of the shot. Some hardy varieties of palm tree are grown in some gardens of the Ayrshire coast but there are definitely none on the waterfront itself. The tide was half-way in here but that didn't make for such a compelling title.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend of photography my Flickr friends.

Enjoy!

*** Thank you each and everyone for your wonderful comments and favourites, and for your congratulations on my Explore with this shot. I am grateful to you all. ***

Tags:   Leanne Boulton sunset beach ocean kayak

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Captured on a windy day in January 2023.

Today into tomorrow most of the UK is under a yellow weather warning for Storm Isha and wind gusts of 50-60mph and localised flooding. Here in Ayrshire we are in the amber weather warning area with wind gusts expected of 70-80mph. There is also a direct coastal flood warning for my area but at a mile from the beach I should be safe from that risk even though the area is not greatly elevated above sea level.

I worry for the dunes though. They are a beautiful part of this coastline and they suffered a glancing blow in a recent winter storm. Fingers crossed.

These ugly coastal defences at Gailes Beach are not there to protect the rare and vital coastal dune habitat. They are there to protect Gailes Links Golf Course. In fact, once past the area of the golf course the vital dunes are left to the elements.

On a lighter level does anyone else agree that these tubes are ripe for being adorned with giant googly eyes?

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. Stay safe everyone and keep the shutters clicking!

* Wow... have been under a tornado watch for many hours now and it continues until tomorrow morning!

Tags:   Leanne Boulton landscape abstract coastal defences Storm Isha seaside photography landscape photography abstraction documentary weather repetition composition beach concrete tubes drainpipe grass dunes sand sand dunes protection protected wind windy gales stormy seaweed shells coastline coast coastal tone detail natural light outdoors outside scene Canon Canon 5D Mk III 28mm wide angle EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM black white black&white b&w mono black and white monochromatic bwphoto Gailes Gailes Beach Ayrshire South Ayrshire Scotland UK Great Britain pattern texture

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