A quick question for my friends: At what point does one acquire that seemingly wonderful place of existence where she loses her fears regarding the perceived negative reactions from others? Clearly, many of you have crossed that threshold into that beautiful land of “WGAF”; I’ve talked about it with a few of you.

Did it just happen one day? Was there any event that triggered it? Or did you just have to put on your big girl panties and step over that threshold boldly, choosing to be the agent of change?

I find myself teetering on this edge, and events like Keystone, or being out in NYC or my home town with friends, have definitely brought me closer… yet here I stand, still rooted in the land of giving a… well, you know. Would love any advice from you wonderful women!

Kisses,
Amanda

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As I begin tentative preparations for an eventual evening out where the dress code demands a formal gown like the one I’m wearing here, I’ve also begun tentative mental preparations for an eventual formal coming out to friends and family.

To date, I’ve come out as trans to only four people in my nonline life: my mom, my wife, my personal counselor, and our couple’s counselor. And if you’ve ever come out to anyone, particularly if the reception was welcoming, you’ve likely experienced the same euphoria that I have: it’s exhilarating, it’s enlightening, it’s addictive. It makes me want to tell everyone and finally be free of that damned closet.

But of course, it’s not that easy, is it? It certainly hasn’t been for me. For one, I suspect I lack the courage for such an endeavor at this point… though I feel my fortitude building. More importantly for me is the consideration I must give to my wife and children, and how such a revelation will affect them now and in the future.

My idols for such an endeavor remain those incredible individuals I’ve met online (and in person) in the past 3 years who have declared their whole and true identities to the world, including those who have transitioned, those who are transitioning, and those who’ve withdrawn the curtain between their masculine and feminine personas and shown the entirety of their true selves to their friends and families.

And so, as I’ve mentioned before, my evolution continues. For now, I’m content to allow these lofty goals to percolate underneath the various wigs I intermittently don. I’ll continue to learn from my amazing friends and await the day when I’m intrepid enough to follow in their steps.

As ever, your support and encouragement mean the world to me. Remember to stay true to yourselves, and I'll try to do the same.

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As I settle back into the routine of my everyday life after a wondrous trip to Chicago, I continue to wallow in blissful contentment. I still can’t quite fathom the thresholds I’ve crossed in the last 72 hours, and know that it probably wouldn’t have been possible to have experienced them all in such short time frame if it wasn’t for my lovely companions Kimberly and Kimber. What’s for certain, however, is that they wouldn’t have been nearly as joyous, as monumental, as poignant without the two of them.

The chronicle of my “firsts en femme” include: witnessing a (kick-ass) drag show, riding in (multiple) cabs and Ubers, dining in mainstream restaurants, shopping excursion to Macy's, venturing into *highly* public areas in daytime, stepping into a ladies’ restroom. And at the end of the second evening, I was so confident as to walk through my own hotel lobby as Amanda, right in front of multiple tables of patrons enjoying late night cocktails. To say I’d never thought I could have done such a thing in such seemingly little time is an understatement.

To Coleen: Your spirit and your candor are inspiring; I hope to live life as openly and happily as you seem to do so well. To Karen: What a joy to spend even a few hours in drab with you; I can’t wait to get out with you “for real.” To Kimber and Kimberly: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! To share your energy, your confidence, and your confidences has been nothing short of dreamlike. And to Chicago: I’ll be back. That’s a promise.

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Last night, I sat down with my wife and was completely transparent about what happened in Denver last week... and on my last trip as well. She knew that Amanda had gone home to be with her mom, but didn't know the extent of it. So, I just put all the cards on the table, including the shopping, the makeovers, the outings to Crown, and yes, even my own feelings about blending rather than passing.

I think what helped her most of all, however, was my admission that despite being able to present as Amanda in the safety of mom's home whenever and however I wished, I found that I didn't need to do it 24 hours a day. This was somewhat of a relief to me, as well, confirming my suspicions that I likely won't need to transition to feel fulfilled, and that I'm likely to be quite happy if I'm able to express this part of me intermittently.

She cried, of course. I can't imagine how hard it is for her to hear that the man she loves also wants to express himself (herself?) this way too. But she confirmed her love for me, her hope that we can make things work for the best, and her desire to work towards a happy future. Together.

Thanks again for your continued support, dear readers!

Kisses,
Amanda

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This week has been a whirlwind of activity: amongst the Amanda achievements outlined below, I saw my sister and her family, my aunt and uncle, and a cousin; had a wonderful holiday dinner with all of them; and attended the funeral of a good family friend. I'm exhausted.

Mom and I had a great time again, as to be expected. The ability to express myself how and when I want was wonderful, and mom has learned to flip between gender markers in speech almost flawlessly. We shopped almost everyday, and my wardrobe has expanded considerably. We played dress up each night. We talked for hours. We cried tears of joy and sadness. We laughed our arses off.

On Thursday night, I went back to see Chris and Rick at Studio Lites. What amazing people - loving and caring, fun, smart - and incredibly knowledgeable about the community and its history. And Chris was able to pull off minor coup with my makeover. I felt beautiful again. Finally.

Then we ventured out - only my second public outing, and yes, both times have been with mom - returning to the Crown Social on South Broadway. I looked and felt wonderful, but a magical thing happened inside my head: I didn't care if I was read. In fact, I'm sure I *was* read. But as the only transwoman in the place, I felt like I was representing the community, and wanted to do it as elegantly as possible. I hope I pulled it off. The patrons and staff were accepting, respectful, inclusive and fun.

I wore the black wrap number you see here, though after returning home to play with outfits, I realize I should have worn a different ensemble, perhaps to be posted here later. Oh well, live and learn, eh?

Again, thank you all for your tremendous support and encouragement. The road I’m traveling is all the more lovely because I get to share it with you!

Kisses,
Amanda

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