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A sunset from April, with my 90th 'Stranger Portrait' subject taking a sunset photograph for herself next to her kayak.

I am sorry for being absent for a few days here on Flickr.

I was rushed into hospital on Friday with a suspected heart attack. I didn't suspect one myself because the symptoms, although almost entirely the same as a heart attack, are something that I have experienced 3 times before.

I was discharged yesterday after a clear echo cardiogram with the diagnosis of Recurrent Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. This is my 4th attack with my first being at the age of just 35.

Takotsubo Syndrome (also known as Stress Cardiomyopathy or Broken Heart Syndrome) has about the same fatality rate as a heart attack because it does cause an injury to the heart, although the mechanism is quite different. It is little understood but is caused by profound grief, emotional stress or physical stress that releases a surge of stress hormones that cause the left ventricle of the heart to swell and change shape and lose it's ability to work effectively.

All of my attacks have been preceded by profound grief and loss. Those of you following my recent tales will know that I have just been ditched by my partner of 20 years and I am facing homelessness, the loss of everything and will have to start my life from scratch, both materially and financially, at an age where I should be looking forward to winding my life down.

I now have to deal with all of this while trying to allow my heart to heal from the physical damage, knowing that there will never be a full 100% recovery and that there is no current treatment plan that can prevent a future attack.

I hate being a fringe medical case.

I am sad to say that while terrified, I almost wanted this attack to take me away from this cruel and painful world.

I am emotionally spent. I am mentally spent. I am physically spent.

I share this because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have. Such a shame that it keeps getting broken. Actually broken.

Thank you all in advance for any kind and warm wishes. I will get around to thanking you properly and catching up with your beautiful photography in time. I have to take it a little easy for a while though. It can take up to 2 months for the heart to 'recover' from this. I know all too well how it can cause a great deal of fatigue for a while.

Take care my Flickr friends. Be nice to one another in this crazy world.

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Some kind of landscape photography I think. Captured in April 2023 at Troon South Beach, Scotland.

There are 3 vital things that someone with severe CPTSD needs in order to function and heal.

1/ Consistency, predictability and routine.
2/ A place of safety and comfort
3/ Patience and compassion

Without these my trauma response is activated. I can't help that, it is physiological.
These needs have not been fully met for the past 2 years or so. Is it any wonder my symptoms have worsened? Now I am blamed for not healing fast enough. 25 years of abuse and PTSD cannot be fixed with 1 year of therapy and just one year of healing afterwards, least of all when those needs are not fully met. I didn't stand a chance.

Last night a friend from the past messaged me at a critical time. They chatted with me online for some 2 hours or more. They actually made me cry, smile and even laugh. It saved The Samaritans a call and that friend may have saved my life. The timing was impeccable.

The biggest threat to me is not having the 3 vital things. Without those I will spiral into hell. There is no chance I can heal without them. I just don't know where I can get them now. I can't do this alone and I will need actual in-person physical help as well. At my worst I am unable to even cook a meal or even answer the door. At times I could not even leave the house into the garden.

At my best there are little nuggets of the old 'Leanne' there. I just can't find her by myself. I am too ill to do it all alone now.

For the friend that contacted me last night. I am in their debt.

I am trying to post to Flickr and enjoy your photography to maintain routine. It has helped to hold me together for a long time. I am struggling to comment on other people's work or find 'happy' photographs to share. I hope I can get back there though.

In the meantime. Thank you for your understanding and caring. However remote, it does help. It does help.

Tags:   Leanne Boulton urban street photography urban landscape landscape photography landscape seaside seafront town promenade bench storytelling documentary narrative journal empty remains waste litter plastic waste remnants building wall grass sand drifting drifting sand tone detail depth natural light outdoors sunlight shadow sunset evening scene life humanity society lifestyle public space Canon Canon 5D Mk III 70mm EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM colour golden hour golden Troon South Beach Ayrshire South Ayrshire Scotland UK United Kingdom Great Britain skyline

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Seafront photography from Barassie Beach, Scotland.

Captured just a short while before my upload yesterday titled 'The Tide is High' just points out that I was in fact lying with the title. The tide was actually half-way in, or half-way out depending on your point of view. A wide angle shot showing the vast expanse of beautifully rippled sand here on Barassie Beach, Troon, South Ayrshire.

You can see a lone distant figure walking closer to the dry sand line. The tide goes out quite a distance here and when the tide is in you can wade out for a long way and still be no more than waist deep. Catching strong winds and being relatively shallow, this beach has become a hot spot for kiteboarding and windsurfing. A new water sports centre is planned to be built on the seafront soon and while that will be great, I will have to move further north along the shore for those quieter moments.

For context, that is the town of Troon directly ahead and the harbour stretches out beyond right of frame. When I say that I live just a mile from the seafront now, that is only at high tide. You can probably add at least another half a mile on for low tide. It certainly beats living in a commuter town for Glasgow. I do sometimes miss the hustle and bustle but the peacefulness out here is hard to beat.

Enjoy!

Tags:   Leanne Boulton beach seaside sand bwphoto seafront landscape photography landscape photography ripples texture lead in lines lines composition expanse wide tide tidal sea water waves distant figure houses harbour town sky clouds spring springtime evening sunset sunlight shadow contrast space vastness open beauty beautiful horizon pattern beachscape tone detail depth natural light outdoors outside scenic scenery human life lifestyle habitat natural people Canon Canon 5D Mk III 24mm wide angle EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM black white black&white b&w mono black and white monochromatic Barassie Beach Troon Barassie Ayrshire Scotland UK

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Sunset photography on Barassie Beach, Scotland.

Some kayakers were wrapping up their evening paddle as the sun was setting over the Isle of Arran. The beautiful wooden paddle was handcrafted in Ardnamurchan as I am told by Lorna, my latest '100 Strangers' portrait uploaded a few days ago. She posed with the paddle for me as the water droplets glistened in this remaining sunlight.

Framing the clouds in the top right reminded me of those classic Caribbean photographs of a canoe on a white beach with palm tree fronds framing the corner of the shot. Some hardy varieties of palm tree are grown in some gardens of the Ayrshire coast but there are definitely none on the waterfront itself. The tide was half-way in here but that didn't make for such a compelling title.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend of photography my Flickr friends.

Enjoy!

*** Thank you each and everyone for your wonderful comments and favourites, and for your congratulations on my Explore with this shot. I am grateful to you all. ***

Tags:   Leanne Boulton sunset beach ocean kayak

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© Leanne Boulton, All Rights Reserved

Posed 'stranger' portrait taken for my 100 Strangers project in Troon, Scotland.

This picture is #90 in my 100 strangers project. Find out more about the project and see pictures taken by other photographers at the 100 Strangers Flickr Group page

It has been 3.5 years since my last portrait for the 100 Strangers project thanks to the pandemic, my injuries and my ongoing PTSD. This one came quite out of the blue, or out of the "deep blue" if you like.

I had made my 2nd trip out with my camera for April, after not taking a single shot in March, and headed down to the beach for sunset. It was much calmer than previously so while there were no kiteboarders soaring, there were a handful of people enjoying a sunset kayak as the tide rolled in.

I was snapping away at the sunset and silhouettes of the kayaks as Lorna paddled ashore capturing the same scene with her mobile phone. She said that we were probably capturing the same thing and that I was doing a better job of it with my camera. Which I refuted, naturally, being a 'people' photographer and out of my depth with landscapes.

After a brief chat and learning that she was part of the Troon Water Sports Hub, which will be getting a brand new facility on the seafront soon, I asked Lorna if she would like a portrait and briefly explained the 100 Stranger project and that I would want to share the shot online. Lorna was happy to and I had to work quickly as the light was disappearing.

Lorna and her fellow kayaker wanted her to pose in front of the sunset but without a flash to light them it would have just been a silhouette shot. I naturally opted to pose Lorna along the shorefront and decided to ensure part of the kayak, and paddle, were in the frame for context. Asking Lorna to angle the paddle to fit in the frame and find the last remnants of sunlight.

In the low light and with no means of reflecting or creating light, I managed to get one shot that I am happy with and I hope that Lorna will be happy with it when I send it to her. I am very much out of practice after such a long time.

My thanks to Lorna for agreeing to a portrait and for approaching me for some photography small talk beforehand.
I have not told you all of the cause or triggers of my PTSD but suffice to say I would not have instigated this stranger portrait had Lorna not approached me first. It took a monumental effort to just hold ground for a conversation and gather the courage to ask. So much so that I had the 'adrenaline rush' come-down when I got home as my legs buckled like lead.

Complex PTSD sucks and the recovery will be a long process with forward steps but many backwards ones too. There is no cure or complete recovery either. I have to work on combating the C-PTSD every single day, leaning to live with and manage the symptoms. Thank you all so much for continuing to support my photography through this process. It means the world to me that you all care and don't mind all of the older shots and re-edits I publish in the meantime.

This new portrait is a step in the right direction for now and of course I hope to continue that trend. No guarantees though.

Take care my Flickr friends and thank you.

Tags:   Leanne Boulton 100 Strangers portrait beach Scotland seaside seafront photography portraiture portrait photography stranger portrait stranger people photography woman face eyes smile smiling expression happy happiness water sports paddle kayaker kayak buoyancy aid hi-viz safety florescent floatation waterproof open water sea ocean waves sunset golden hour tone detail depth of field bokeh natural light outdoors outside natural light portrait available light human life living humanity society culture lifestyle people person sport activity eye contact Canon Canon 5D Mk III 70mm EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM colour colourful Barassie Barassie Beach Troon Ayrshire UK South Ayrshire coastline United Kingdom Great Britain Britain low light

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