Recently, I had a prolonged "Amanda hiatus." Perhaps you've experienced this occurrence, where your inner girl goes dormant - sometimes for no particular reason, sometimes for all the right reasons, and sometimes for the wrong ones.
Would Amanda return? I knew intellectually she would, but that didn't diminish the sadness I felt at her absence. And the interlude allowed me to answer a question I'd heard before, but never really able to answer: "If you were able to take a pill that would completely eliminate all vestiges of your feminine side, taking with it any remembrance of having been this way, would you take it?" Ironcially, it was during Amanda's absence that the answer become most clear: No way in hell!
This is who I am, the *whole* me, and I'm incredibly grateful to have finally found myself. And I'm beginning to realize that many of my past decisions were made in light of me being un-whole, if you will... and I suppose it's time to pay the piper. But the future is bright and the horizon broad... I can't wait to see what it brings my way!
All my love to you for your support and encouragement!
Kisses,
Amanda
And PS: "Alright Mr. DeMille..." This is my first closeup. Please be gentle!!
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I'll be the first to admit that my memory is not a lot better than that of the original UNIVAC. But since my TG epiphany 18 months ago, one recollection in particular has been resurfacing, and has given me a fresh perspective on my identity issues... perhaps they started earlier than I'd imagined.
I think I was 4 or 5 years old, standing at the bathroom sink and looking in the mirror, and I distinctly remember trying to look around another child staring back at me. That's when it hit me: that wasn't someone else, that was me. "Wait!" I thought. "That's not me. I can't be that ugly."
For years after that, I struggled with my physical appearance and how others perceived me. I was slight, and gawky, and constantly aware of my homeliness. And until now, I'd never thought that perhaps part of that was a manifestation of my dysphoria... but now I'm not so sure. I'd compartmentalized my feminine side so well for so long, that this possibility never occurred to me.
Since coming out, and in no small part to the wonderful communities on Flickr and Facebook, my perception has changed for the better. And most importantly, accepting my TGism has shown me that my old compartmentalized self had never demanded the respect and love that we all deserve. It's a powerful feeling, and long overdue.
Thank you all for showing me that the beautiful person I've always known was inside of me can manifest herself occasionally on the outside as well.
Kisses,
Amanda
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...are the joys of life. Security is an insipid thing."
- William Congreve
The past few weeks have demonstrated the quote's latter element to be true. As I ponder what awaits me in the coming weeks, months, and years, it's becoming evident that the future's stability would likely come at the price of my happiness. For in order for my past expectations of the future to remain unchanged, I'd have to sacrifice the potential for real happiness, that I'd have to say goodbye to that pure, exquisite, and joyous place that I'd always dreamed was my due.
So instead, I'm learning to savor the future's instability. As Erich Fromm says, it's this uncertainty that "impels [woman] to unfold [her] powers." And I can see a bright future ahead, despite the knowledge that the path there will likely entail some pain and sadness for me... and unfortunately, for those around me. But the fact is that pain and sadness would likely come anyway, continued to be parsed out slowly and poisonously over the coming decades, particularly if I deny myself the chance to be as happy as I know I can be.
The journey continues...
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...then you'll be hounded by your friends for not posting any photos of you photographed that way!
OK, not the greatest caption... but you'll forgive me, right?
As circumstances continue to evolve at home, my future is beginning to crystallize. It's as if I'm standing on the precipice of a significant leap, wondering if gravity will pull me violently to the rocks below before I've reached the intended landing zone. I'm filled with that strange and heady combination of exhilaration, dread, and hope... and yes, no small part of that peculiarly human irrational and delirious optimism that things "will be alright."
So perhaps the photo's title (and the well-known quote from which it's stolen) is apropos after all. I've finally realized that I'm worth standing up for, that my dreams and hopes and desires for this life merit of that valiant striving which Teddy urged of us all.
And if you've happened to read this far, I'll insert an advance notice of a suspected Flickr outage: I will likely be removing most or all of my photos in the coming weeks This will be temporary, of course, with the hope that the phoenix will rise again soon to bathe in the flames of a new-found splendor.
Stay tuned, dear readers!
Kisses,
Amanda Nicole
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